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Posts Tagged ‘worth’

crossing the worth line

So a couple weeks ago at the hotel there was a ladies retreat for a group of Pentecostal women.  Midway through the retreat I was asked to fulfill a request which took me through the room where the Spirit was apparently moving.  There was a lady prophesying, sharing a word she believed that God had for the other women in the room.  It was very …. ahem…vehement.  

I walked through and a couple of thoughts ran through my head.
Pre-requisite statements of belief:
i) I believe God does care about us, and sometimes he speaks.  
ii) I believe that this speaking isn't generic and isn't always puppies and chocolate, but it is directed to help you choose what is best.
iii) I believe that when God speaks it isn't just to make church goers feel all loved and special and safe where we are, but instead it is to help us grow.
iv) I believe that God wants and does speak to everyone, not just those of us who are in the family so to speak.
v) When God speaks and I know it is God it is often because what comes is so unique that only God and you could have known it.
So back to the story at hand.  
A couple of thoughts ran through my head.
(engage Universal Sarcastic Font)
"Isn't it great that God says the same thing all the time regardless of the group or nature of the group, and it's pretty much the exact same language?"
"Isn't it great that God says stuff that is designed to make us feel good about the fact that we're living comfortable when people around us are hurting?"
(disengage font)
"Isn't it sad that I can't walk past someone saying what they think the spirit wants them to say without being extremely cynical"
So Sunday at church someone had what they felt was a prophetic word.
I felt the cynicism rise.
I got to thinking.
I realized it has been a very long time since someone has had anything to say to me from God.  It's been a long time since I've heard God say anything to me about me. You've heard me waxing lyrical about that before.  However I heard something in the back of my head that I haven't noticed before. There was a part of me that felt like I've lost my usefulness, my worth.
I think I have a right to be cynical about the fact that no one has spoken a 'word' over me.  (Really, I don't want anything generic, or something designed to make me feel good and special to the people around me.)  However I do see a pattern that emerges.  If you're in the inner circle.  If people perceive that you have value or worth, then the words tend to be spoken.  I am not inner circle at all any more.  I'm not an up and comer, I'm just useful to fill in the holes.
The problem is that I have twined this understanding with my perception of God.  There is a part of me which thinks that God doesn't see my worth any more. 
I know in my head this isn't true.
But doesn't it suck when your head and your emotions don't agree?  
Which one gets the upper hand?
In moments like today…..
mumble mumble mumble stupid emotions mumble
Faith takes work.
It would be really nice just to get a little note slipped in my pocket from God that said something like
"I have not forgotten you."

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