Posts Tagged ‘ass’

Kindle Mathematics

So I asked Jezra how many books could fit on his Kindle (The one I am lusting after. Thou Shalt not Covet. Thou Shalt not covet thy neighbors fabulously sexy hand held device).
“An Ass-load” was his reply [1]

What exactly is an ass-load? It is a difficult amount to quantify [2], so I decided to try to work it out.
Other contexts in which ass is used.


Assuming (no pun intended) that ‘Ass’ is a constant value, and the same, no matter what context it is in, then we can write the following equation.

Asshole = Asshat = Asswipe = Assload

This can be translated to:

Ass x hat = Ass x hole = Ass x wipe = Ass x load

Dividing through by the common multiplier of ‘Ass’ leaves:

hole = hat = wipe = load
As it is clear that a) these are each singular occurrences and b) these equal the same quantity then we can modify the equation as follows:

hole = hat = wipe = load = 1

Substituting this back into the original amount to quantify looks like this.

assload = ass x load = ass x (1) = ass

If we look at the definitions of ass as a foolish stubborn fool of a person, a rear end, or Equus asinus, the solution of this equation is as follows.

Assload = {0-as I own no beasts of burden, 1-as I have one rear end of my own, ∞ – depending on your proximity to a Glenn Beck Rally}

In light of all this, and my desire to keep my blood pressure in a reasonable region, I must conclude that a Kindle is neither practical nor efficient for me, and therefore must restrain myself from purchasing one at the moment.

1. Isn’t one of the covet things that I’m not to covet my neighbors ass? Should that be the case, that’s not a problem I have. True my ass is bigger than most, but quite honestly, so is my neighbors ass, and I think I prefer mine to most of theirs.
2. A friend of mine informed me once that Plethora was an actual quantifiable amount. He said it was 47. I’m not sure how he got at that number. The answer to Life, the Universe, and everything + the number of books in the original Hitchhiker’s Guide series?


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Dear Senator,

I cannot tell you how happy I was the day I realized that the next president of the United States would either be an african american or a woman.

Happy day indeed.

I have to say I would rather it be Senator Obama, for several reasons, but one of the chief being, if you are president, then it will officially be 20 years that the white house has either had a Clinton or Bush, and that seems more like a legacy/monarchy than a democracy.

This being said, I would vote for you over anyone else, other than Obama.

However these last few weeks have made me really annoyed at you.

Stop acting like an ass.

Win the Presidency because you are smart, and capable.NOT because you have the ability to manipulate and misquote.

You would throw a fit if we started dredging up Whitewater stuff.

Come on, be the champion of doing campaigns differently.  Be the  candidate of integrity I hope you can be.

I don't want to have to vote another ass into office.


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I was away at a conference this weekend, which made me rather incommunicado.  So I'm trying to catch up.  The conference in and of itself was REALLY INTERESTING.  A comment which would be much better understood if I had in my employ my brilliant but unrealized vision of having a Universal Sarcastic Font.  You know I could have just pushed ctrl + Y (for yada yada yada) and presto, REALLY INTERESTING would have been written in a font that would have made the true meaning clear.  You would have read REALLY INTERESTING, and understood it to mean mind numbingly dull, boring, poke out my eyes with a stick, damn I forgot my knitting in the car… now how am i supposed to stay awake, ugh one more powerpoint presentation, seriously if I sat through all of this surely I should have won the Iphone.  But sadly, I have yet to invent the USF, and probably never will, as bitching about it not being in existence is so much fun.  Son of a motherless goat…I really need that font!

Ok so there were some good times…wanna hear em?  Here they go:
    -Meeting up with Evelyn, and the yummy Singapore noodles avec sake at P.F. Changs.
    -3 days with Grace and Glory.  They made me yummy Nigerian food, and we had some fab conversations about raising children, discipline, singlehood, faith, church, life, school, moving, trips home, family, shoes.  Plus, Glory played with my hair, which was fab.  Future husband alert…this will be your job, often!  We also did a fun Target run, and glory fell in love with my amazing lemon pound cake scented lotion.  MMMMM.
    -Driving with the windows down and the sunroof up cranking Muse in the streets of Indianapolis.

04 Map Of The Problematique 03 Supermassive Black Hole

    -Getting to see Kyle.  Man the kid has grown up.  I really am pleased how he's thriving at university.
    -AMBER AND MATT, and ASS.  Yes, good times.  Great conversation, and Amaretto Sour Saturdays.  ASS involves a theme, a mixed drink, and all kinds of good stuff, including good wine and munchies.  This month it was Fall ASS and so we had this great hot spiced spiked cider, MMMM.  It also included good conversations, like about how good 'The Fountain' was, and about 'Arcade Fire' and then Matt surprised me by declaring that he didn't understand why the Peter Gabriel song 'In Your Eyes' was used in the movie 'Say Anything' and I had to explain the significance of  Lloyd Daubler, and that song.

  I think I was able to persuade him to movie this slightly more in the direction of Iconic.  Ahh Lloyd, bought, sold, processed……OOHHH I digress.  We had some fun comedy, and Matt unsuccessfully tried to convince the populace to watch Shaun of the dead. 
    -Finishing Season 3 of the office.  OH JIM!  OH PAM!

Then came the challenges, mainly consisting of my moms closet from the seventies being remixed by a bunch of skinny white girls, and then being thrown up inside Lane Bryant stores nation wide.  More than once did I try something on and see a very scary version of my mum from childhood looking back at me. FACT, sleeveless doesn't work for me, neither does balloon shirts.  Oh and belts across my midriff also are no good, and PLEASE PLEASE go back to straight sizes, and forget this 16/18 nonsense.  Slashes are no good. I know I'm fat, but there is no reason to make me dress like a baboon. 

Well, today I found out that my sister was in an accident.  She was riding her bike home from work, and a car hit her, and sent her sprawling.  She's bruised, and scraped, but otherwise unharmed.  Poor Beth!

Anyway I'm home now, back to work, and now beginning to train the second new person.  I just need one more, then I'm fully staffed again! We'll see how that works out!

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